So here I am, again, back at square 1. This is so humiliating.
I hate to value myself according to a number, but I do it anyway, and I do it constantly. And today, that number is making me feel like crap.
Kilos, that is. 167 lbs for those of you from the other side of the Atlantic.
Not good not good not good.
Well, to put it more bluntly, what I really said when I stepped on the scale was:
with a measurable pause in between each F-word.
Here’s the thing.
Last January, at 77.4 kg/171 lbs, almost 9 months ago, I decided I was fed up with being who I was. Being unhealthy, being ashamed of myself, being uncomfortable in my own skin. So I took it upon myself to change into a better me, in many different ways, including my health. I took a vow, to be at a healthy weight by my 20th birthday (October 29th 2012).
I managed to succeed in turning so many things around in my life, and gracefully becoming a healthier person was one of them. I was exercising almost every day, eating right, and the weight was gradually melting off me. Everyone could see it. I could feel it. My confidence skyrocketed, and I was the most comfortable I’d ever been with myself.
By May, I had lost 7 kg/15 lbs, and though it might not seem like a huge number, in appearance it really showed.
This weight was weighing me down not only physically, but mentally.
For years I had resented who I was, cried bitter tears of despair, even though deep down I knew, it was all in my hands. That I was in control of my own fate.
Once I truly committed to that mantra, there was no stopping me. People were in awe of my determination, of my dedication, even going to the lengths of telling me that I was their inspiration. That was a glowing moment. It was a solid affirmation that even though I hadn’t reached my ultimate goal yet, I had succeeded.
It was the greatest compliment I had ever received.
Then somewhere along the line, I started to take it easy. I went on holidays, and gave myself some ‘time off’ from all weight loss efforts, telling myself I had earned it (which I had). I put on a kilo in one week, but that didn’t bother me- I knew I would be able to lose it again with ease. But then, long story short, relocation to another living environment, an environment different to the one I had been in when I had lost all the weight, threw me off my game. I don’t know what happened, but within 2 months of summer holidays, I put on 4kg. I was eating unhealthily, I became lazy about exercising, and though I knew the weight was creeping back up and that I was returning back to my state of desperation, I felt like I couldn’t control myself. I’d forgotten my mantra. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be a success.
Then, September rolled around, and I relocated once again. This time, to France, to spend the year.
After less than 2 weeks here, somehow I managed to gain another kilo, even though I was certain I was eating relatively healthily, only eating “bad things” in moderation.
But the scale doesn’t lie.
And today, it faced me with the sad but much-needed truth.
I need to get in control of my fate once more.
This is not an option, this is a necessity. It starts today.
These are the things I’m getting rid of:
These are the things I’m getting more of:
This is the number I’m going to change:
And this is what I’m going to be:
I’m not going to give myself a deadline, even though there are many occasions coming up where I’d really like to look my best for something, or for someone I haven’t seen since I was slimmer. Deadlines always put me under pressure, and if my body doesn’t react the way I want it to in time, I get frustrated, I have an emotional crash, and then I eat… That’s not what I want. This is going to be life-long, and what happens or whoever appears during the next few months is miniscule, unimportant. My health comes first, not other people’s opinion of how I look. What’s important is how I feel. I want to regain that feeling I had over 3 months ago, that radiant self-confidence. That knowledge that I was achieving my goal, that I was becoming the best person I can be.
I’m going to do it. I’m in control of my own fate.